


When Guilt Becomes Too Heavy

by Chicki



Category: The L Word (TV 2004)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:28:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23830855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicki/pseuds/Chicki
Summary: Following Season 2, Episode 3 when Bette walks into the pool fully clothed...
Kudos: 15





	When Guilt Becomes Too Heavy

My world as I had known it, had collapsed. How in the hell did I get where I was today? That was a stupid question. Of course I knew how I got here. It was at that exact moment that I made a conscious decision to turn away from my relationship and seek something external from another woman. How much of it was really conscious though, I wondered? That wasn’t me, and it sure as hell wasn’t anywhere close to the moral path I had followed most of my life. Yet, there I was, smack in the middle of an affair. The worse part, is it didn’t happen just once. I let it continue for awhile. What in the hell was I thinking? What was I seeking or needing from this distraction that I failed to find in my wife? More important, was I seeking something that I might never find, no matter where I searched?

How selfish of me to abandon the woman that I promised myself to, and engage in such a meaningless encounter. I humiliated her, on almost every level, and so finding myself alone was an appropriate consequence. Why shouldn’t she discard me like this? I was always the stronger one of the two. I held it all together, for the most part. Yet, at this moment, I’m weak. I have no will to hold on. What am I holding on for? Myself? I can’t even look at myself in the fucking mirror without feelings repulsed.

I was slowly descending. I knew I was, because the walls of the pool were rising. I don’t recall feeling the water though. The pool was delightful at night, and I remembered so many nights when Tina and I would come out here for what was intended to be an evening swim, but would instead turn into a marvelous evening of lovemaking. Afterwards, when we would lay side by side on the lounge, we would get lost in the kaleidoscope like designs that jumped around the inside and outside of the pool from the movement of the water against the pool lights.

On this night though, I failed to appreciate any of the beauty that the pool held, because for me, I was giving myself to the water, hoping it would wash away the sins of my body forever. I just couldn’t make it right anymore. I was filled with remorse, and guilt, and no matter how much I wanted to put this behind me, every time I looked at the woman that the mirror reflected back at me, first thing in the morning and at the end of the evening, I was revolted. How could I have done what I had done? Where was the woman inside of me that I had known so well? Where did she go? What was she seeking when she traveled such an erroneous path? It doesn’t matter anymore…I submitted my body to the chasm of water.

What happened next, I have no recollection of. The next thing I do recall, was Shane. I remember first hearing her. Her voice sounded strangled and deep, like as if she was inside of a drum. Later I would come to understand, it was the water that had filled my eardrums. 

“Come on Bette! Breathe damn it!” 

I felt a wave of fluid inside expel from my body violently as I turned my head to the side. I remember I had started coughing really hard, and finding the need to take in air, as if I had been holding my breath for ages.

“Fuck! Oh god, thank you god.” Shane was hysterical. It was the first time she ever had to use CPR on someone. The emotional toll it had taken was enormous. She burst into tears. “FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK!” she screamed into the night air.

As I continued to oust water from my lungs, I felt Shane embracing me, and rocking my body as she cried. I reached for her hand which was resting on my abdomen, and I covered the back of it with my own. There weren’t any words spoken…there didn’t need to be. My best friend had saved my life that night, and the events that had transpired, would remain locked in the safety and security of our bond of friendship.

**~ THE END ~**

**© 2010 Chicki  
Disclaimer:   
This Fan Fiction posting contains fictitious characters and a fictitious storyline. Most characters belong to Ilene Chaiken and Showtime Television. Readers must not modify, copy/plagiarize, disseminate, or take action in reliance upon it, unless permitted by the said author of this Fan Fiction posting. None of the materials provided on this Fan Fiction posting may be used, reproduced or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including the use of any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from author.**


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